my pride


oh hey anderson,

nice to hear from you! of course, i jest, you haven’t written back yet, but it’s ok. only a matter of time i’m sure. until then, here’s another one-sided note from me to you.
what a week this has been. i have approached the week with a bit of a goal – to ponder how i make myself proud. i confess that for all of my outward bravado and confidence, i am actually plagued by intense self-doubt. so in an effort to reduce some of my disappointment, i have tried to end each day by asking myself “what did i do to make myself proud today?” i think what has been most interesting about this exercise is what i’m choosing to take pride in. it’s totally run the gamut from i cooked dinner to i edited an e-mail to not be super bitchy. i had two really interesting and different examples though.

the first was my excursion to the world outside my comfort zone – i went to an aqua zumba class. i love the water and have been intrigued by water aerobics since the 80s, but never thought i could do something like that. then i saw a class and heard the music and decided it looked like fun. as the day of my first class approached, i was really starting to dread it. then on the day itself i was a bit of a nervous wreck. i wasn’t familiar with the college campus so i was making maps and googling directions. my co-worker had this amazing advice for me – i can leave whenever i want, so i headed out with that in mind. when i got there safe and sound, i promptly threw up. why oh why is that how my stress manifests? but despite that, i kept going. i got a bit turned around but eventually found the pool. then i put on my bathing suit and ventured out. a stranger approached me and i was forced to make small talk, but i still didn’t leave. i got in the pool, looked like a fool trying to salsa dance without floating, but i stayed for the whole class! i even intend to go back next week. i can’t help but be shocked, and proud!

my other example, i think had just as much of an impact on how i feel about myself. one night, i just decided to do nothing. i watched about 5 episodes of ncis (thanks parents for introducing me to the show last year!) and just relaxed. now, i do this often, but that night i said to myself there is not a thing wrong with what i am doing. giving myself that permission to do as i please, and not feel guilty was a new experience, but i didn’t hate it.

i can’t say that after a week i still don’t analyze my every action and wonder if i did enough, said enough or was funny enough, but i tried not to dwell, and that’s something to be proud of!

bye anderson!

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