i’m not even going to say i’m sorry for not writing. i have bigger apologies to make.
today i made an off the cuff comment, as i often do, but this one wasn’t cool. i feel like i try really hard to keep my humour in line. i often say inapropriate things for a laugh, but i normally get to make it clear my words aren’t malicious.
now, i do know that words are powerful, and saying things like “just kidding” does’t allow you to just say whatever you want. i once worked at a company of “good ol’ boys” and at a corporate retreat we had a presentation on appropiate comedy in the work place. the gist of it was, tell your jokes, just make sure you’re in the right crowd. of course at the time i was outraged, thinking so now these old jerks get to be as sexist and rascist as they want, as long as no one “sensitive” hears them. now, after some introspection today, i have to concede that this is exactly what i do. i say crazy stuff around people who know i’m being crazy on purpose.
but does the knowledge that i don’t mean what i say excuse it? i truly believe that it does. when i mean what i’m saying it’s obvious – like what i say about children. they infuriate me. but i don’t actually believe the stereotypes i sometimes throw out. i promise i don’t.
so today, i said something shitty about someone, who all day i was i intrigued by and said he was “my favourite”. then, at the end of a long day stuck in a room with no air conditioning, my mouth got the better of me. the shock and uncomortable laughs that followed what i said did not elicit my usual mirthful feelings. I felt like a jerk, because i went too far.
so what do i do? i don’t know the person, so i can’t apologize. three hours later i just feel dirty. i’ve tried to make amends with the universe and take back the ugliness. it didn’t help, so it obviously wasn’t enough. i just thought about making a donation to a related charity. i know throwing money at a problem isn’t always the best solution, but i’m at a loss, and that at least feels like a real gesture of contrition.
so, anderson, i hope you still will consider this big mouth for the role of your bff. i promise my journey of personal improvement will never end. and i know i have you to look to as an example of poise and general awesomeness.