Category Archives: uncategorized

why i love to cry in my car

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dear anderson,

i hope you’re doing well.  i bet you’re excited about the new season of your show starting next week.  i know i am!!

i was just driving to my boyfriend’s house and i had an epiphany.  i cry in my car a lot.  admittedly, i am a crier.  i know it’s hard to believe with this hard candy shell of mine.  but i really need that to contain all the feelings i have.  but tonight i was just driving, no big deal, just listening to music.  then a song from a musical came on and that was it.  the floodgates were open.  i wept for a good 15 blocks.  and it was awesome.  sometimes we just need a good cry.  while i had already cried a few times today (watching endless wedding dress and home reno shows will do that to me) i guess i had a few more tears that wanted to flourish.

once that was done, i realized i really do cry in my car a lot.  and i started to wonder why.  i can think of many times when, after a hard day, i got to my car and just let everything out.  i can also think of times i cried nervously and had to call my sister, mom, step-dad or boyfriend to calm down.  seriously, so many times.  but there have also been times just like tonight where the tears just came out of nowhere. 

i think my car has become a safe haven for me, after having cried so many tears in it. it’s a bit like in ‘anchorman’ when ron burgundy says he is in a glass case of emotion.

i can cry and scream and emote like a crazy person. and the best part is that if someone sees me and thinks i’m insane, i just make a quick right turn and i can lose them and keep crying to my heart’s content!

so yeah, while i cry pretty much anywhere when i need to, today i realized my car is best place to cry. i can’t wait till the next time i need a good cry. maybe i’ll put a sad movie on my ipad and set up shop. if only open having wine in a vehicle wasn’t illegal or i could have the perfect set up! two out of three isn’t too bad though!

take care anderson,

~k

you just had to upstage me, didn’t you?

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well anderson,

i had planned on writing you about my moderate successes in being inspired and productive this weekend, but when compared to what you accomplished, i really didn’t do anything. in case you have short-term memory loss, you declared yourself as gay in this awesome e-mail to a fellow journalist. you are so honest, and brave and cool. i’m so glad we’re going to bff. seriously, you are relentless in the pursuit of what is just and good in this world. you make me want to be a better me.

so, i know promised i would come up with a plan and then keep you posted on my adherence to said plan. that obviously didn’t happen. but i am not angry or disappointed. it is what it is, right? i really wanted to cook, and i did make some pierogies, but that was pretty simple. fry some onion, add peirogies, eat. but still, it was not take-out or delivery so i can still be proud-ish.

i tried to do a craft. i pulled out all of my paints and mixed up a few colours, but my heart just wasn’t in it. maybe because when i looked at my pile of painting supplies i started adding up how much money i’ve spent on yet another hobby. that 75 dollar set of various things to add to acrylic paints to make them act different has really come in handy…sarcasm.

i did, however sleep a whole bunch and read a book. a book written for teenagers, but i loved every page! i sat in the sun and got a hint of a tan, which always makes me happy. i also painted my nails which always makes me feel good.

so yes, anderson, i didn’t do much, especially when compared to you, but i did try. and what’s most important is that i don’t feel at all bad about myself. i did exactly what i wanted and i guess that, in itself, was an accomplishment. basically, we’re both awesome.

happy 4th of july,
~k

my nails have dried flowers on them. i thought it would look better. oh well.

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you may not have heard what i said, but i’m sorry

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hey anderson,

i’m not even going to say i’m sorry for not writing. i have bigger apologies to make.

today i made an off the cuff comment, as i often do, but this one wasn’t cool. i feel like i try really hard to keep my humour in line. i often say inapropriate things for a laugh, but i normally get to make it clear my words aren’t malicious.

now, i do know that words are powerful, and saying things like “just kidding” does’t allow you to just say whatever you want. i once worked at a company of “good ol’ boys” and at a corporate retreat we had a presentation on appropiate comedy in the work place. the gist of it was, tell your jokes, just make sure you’re in the right crowd. of course at the time i was outraged, thinking so now these old jerks get to be as sexist and rascist as they want, as long as no one “sensitive” hears them. now, after some introspection today, i have to concede that this is exactly what i do. i say crazy stuff around people who know i’m being crazy on purpose.

but does the knowledge that i don’t mean what i say excuse it? i truly believe that it does. when i mean what i’m saying it’s obvious – like what i say about children. they infuriate me. but i don’t actually believe the stereotypes i sometimes throw out. i promise i don’t.

so today, i said something shitty about someone, who all day i was i intrigued by and said he was “my favourite”. then, at the end of a long day stuck in a room with no air conditioning, my mouth got the better of me. the shock and uncomortable laughs that followed what i said did not elicit my usual mirthful feelings. I felt like a jerk, because i went too far.

so what do i do? i don’t know the person, so i can’t apologize. three hours later i just feel dirty. i’ve tried to make amends with the universe and take back the ugliness. it didn’t help, so it obviously wasn’t enough. i just thought about making a donation to a related charity. i know throwing money at a problem isn’t always the best solution, but i’m at a loss, and that at least feels like a real gesture of contrition.

so, anderson, i hope you still will consider this big mouth for the role of your bff. i promise my journey of personal improvement will never end. and i know i have you to look to as an example of poise and general awesomeness.

take care,
~k

i am full of amish and hutterite love

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hey anderson,

it has been months since i’ve written. and i’m very sorry. i think of things i want to tell you, and then i don’t and i feel exceedingly guilty. then i remember that we are only friends in my mind, so i stop being crazy and just promise i will write again soon.

i really do think about you often. i regale friends, family and co-workers about the funny and interesting things you say. thank goodness the people in my life indulge me as much as they do! yesterday i was catching up on your daytime show and knew i had to tell my family about another reason why you and i are destined to be real life bffs.

the revelation: you love the amish. guess what?? i love the amish too! i have never met anyone who is as fascinate by that world as i am. but you are! destiny, right?

my sister thinks my fascination with the amish is ridiculous. we share a netflix account and the mocks me ceaselessly when she sees amish documentaries on our recently watched list. she really doesn’t get it.

i know exactly when my interest began. here in canada, we have hutterites. they have the same religious origins as the amish and mennoites, and live similar lifestyles. when i was in elementary school, our class visited a hutterite colony. i was amazed. who knew people lived like that? when we studied them before going, and made a model of hutterite woman using a laundry detergent bottle i just thought it was a history project. but the women we met totally looked like my crazy tide bottle! and what was even more crazy to me was that the kids were so different, but so much the same as us. we learned that hutterites milk cows, raise chickens and lived self-sufficiently. and the boys played soccer. the girls didn’t, and that really appealed to me because i really hated playing soccer.

for years, that was my favourite school field trip. i loved to reminisce about that day and the people we met. years later, i got a job that involved having contact with hutterite colonies and i was giddy. the first time we went to a colony it was to buy honey for corporate some gift baskets we were giving out. we met andy, the coolest beekeeper ever. he looked like santa claus, but instead of wearing red and white he wore a black hat, pants and suspenders and a checkered shirt. i was instantly obsessed with him. he loved his bees and took pride in his honey.  and had the most precious accent ever!

the best part of my day with andy was that he took my business card and stored it in the brim of his hat. i felt like a rock star. of course, he started calling me. And i soon recognized the colony’s phone  number on my caller id. he always asked if i had a boyfriend. i liked to think he wanted me to marry one of his grandsons. and i totally thought about it.

one day andy invited me to have lunch with the colony. i spent some time with his granddaughter who gave me a tour. it was so much fun! and lunch was so good –  fresh bread with homemade jam. simple and pure, which is pretty much how i imagine everything in the colony is.

of course i know there is a gender divide. the women and girls work hard at domestic and farm work. but it really never seemed to me that the men didn’t work just as hard at their own tasks. i know many people are disaffected by the rules and leave but i still think if i was invited, i would probably move  in. unfortunately i don’t work at that company anymore, and i worry that andy called me  after i left and had to be told we wouldn’t get to chat anymore. i hope he knew having to end that connection was one of the hardest parts of leaving that job.

when i see hutterites out in the “real world” i get as excited as i would if i saw a celebrity. once i saw a hutterite couple trying out a treadmill at a sporting goods store. there is something about the dichotomy that i just loved. Seeing hutterites at the mall sends me into a tizzy!!

someday i hope you and i can talk about why these communities of people who work so hard to maintain their lifestyles fascinates us so much. until then, i will continue being convinced you and i will one day be the best of friends.

~k